The Prime Writing Op--An Obituary

I have a confession to make. I read obituaries. Every day. At a minimum, I scan the names to see if someone I know is there. But if one catches my eye--if it's the obituary of a young person, or the person's name is funny, for example, I read through it. If I have time, I read through several.

I can tell you that I have seen a lot of strange things. So strange, sometimes, that I wonder if some people know what an obituary is.

Obituary proofreader or consultant would be a dream job for me. I would love to help people avoid making fools of themselves at such a difficult time. I figure the loss of a loved one is when they need people crying with them, not laughing at them.

I know it's not nice to make fun of people who are grieving, and someday, I'll repent, but some of the things I see are quite amusing. Some are interesting cultural trends (that should, or, more likely, should not, survive). Like the years when every time the second spouse in a marriage died, the words "Together Forever" appeared below the picture. Or the words "Gone Fishin'," "Gone Huntin'," or "Gone Shoppin'."

Unfortunately, in Utah, obituaries are not edited. They are not proofread. There is no such person whose job it is to gently guide those who many not be in their right minds back to a level of decorum that would take the focus off of them and put it back where it belongs. Not everyone is a good writer, nor do they have to be. We all have different strengths.

Maybe there should be some rules. Maybe the best writer in the family should get the job, and then show it to someone else for an objective opinion. Of course, if the obituary writer is the best they have, sharing it with the family will only provoke changes for the worse. Often, the only objective observer is the person from the mortuary who forwards it to the newspaper. And he's not really objective--he's getting paid. Nor, necessarily, a good writer, either. I have noticed that the mortuary people do not usually interfere. The most they might do is to ask, "Are you sure this is how you want it?" Which, of course, is not helpful. That question will not prompt anyone to suddenly remember a grammar lesson nor the correct spelling of the word "lose." It will not shift a grieving person's mind into the gear that tells them that publishing a picture of an already-dead baby no one would recognize anyway may not be in the best taste. (We know because you wrote that she was stillborn. Yet, here is a picture.)

The only possible answer to that question is a firm, "Yes." And so entertaining obituaries continue to be published.

I see obituaries that never mention that the person died. They will say that the person was born, usually. As if that were the point. Some just expound on the alleged virtues of the person or how much they will be missed, or quote rhyming verses, and never ever get to the point.

Because an obituary is a notice of death. It comes from the Latin obire, to die. The purpose is simply to inform those who knew him or her of his/her passing. It's also nice, I think, to briefly review the person's life, list some accomplishments, and mention the names of those people to whom the person belonged. There's nothing wrong with mentioning facts.

Sometimes, all the obituary says is that a seemingly wonderful person was born who has all these amazing qualities, and, the next thing you know, it's talking about the whereabouts of a funeral, without mentioning a death. Quite shocking.

Around here, it costs more to publish a photo with the obituary. Photos can be very helpful when scanning an obituary page. You might recognize someone you know better from a picture than you would from their name. Or it might give you a clue whether the deceased is the Jane Brown you know. Unless, of course, the deceased is 85 and her senior prom picture is used. Sometimes, presumably in order to catch all the people who knew the deceased throughout her life, both younger and older pictures are used. I have seen as many as four in one obituary. This costs more, so it might be wise to ask oneself if it is worth it. Sometimes, the change is not that dramatic. Sometimes, it's so dramatic that it adds to the entertainment value. I have seen only a toddler picture used for a middle-aged man. Guess who wrote that obituary, right? I often see live people pictured in the obituary--the surviving spouse, or even a grandchild. There is such a thing as having a picture cropped so that only the deceased shows. I would think it would be unnerving to turn to that page and see oneself, or a child in the family. Believe me, it's unnerving enough to see your loved one--who is dead--there.

One time, an obituary featured a picture of a man holding up a chicken. There are sometimes pictures of people with their dogs. These remind me of stories of ancient civilizations where the person's pets, possessions, slaves, and even family members were buried with them.

One time, instead of a photograph, an obituary featured a drawing of a man talking on the telephone. I had to wonder, Was that the best they could come up with? I shake my head when the picture shows someone in sunglasses. What's the point if we can't see their face?

Sometimes I think people just don't know what they are saying. I have seen sentences like this: "Marva Lois Green was the oldest of fourteen children born to Alva Ira and Johanna Green on March 14, 1910." Wow! How come I've never heard of these people before? Or this one: "After his mission, he attended the University of Utah, where he met and married his eternal sweetheart on June 1, 1955." I guess it's okay to meet and marry someone on the same day if they're your eternal sweetheart. Otherwise, it might be too risky.

Or they don't know what "survivors" are. (Blood relatives who are still alive when you die.) This leaves people survived by dogs, friends, nurses, in-laws, and, occasionally, an already-dead relative. "She is survived by her children, Laura, Mike, and Pete (deceased)." Creative writing at its best.

Sometimes, obituaries are painfully honest. "He spent his last months as he wished. He slept all the time and ate as much as he wanted." Or, pure fantasy: "Everyone who ever met her loved her deeply." Some people use writing the obituary as revenge: "He married Carol Lewis, the mother of his children, later divorced. He then married his eternal soul mate, best friend, and loving companion, who was the joy of his heart, Sylvia Mermaid, with whom he shared the most blissful years of his life."

Even when there is relief for a loved one who suffered much, it is probably not best to "joyously announce" her departure, as if the obituary were a wedding invitation.

Sometimes, people use obituaries to preach sermons or promote their brand of faith. I love the ones where the obit writer guesses (but states as fact) what the person is doing in the afterworld or who exactly met him at the gate.

Sad are the ones where a child was brutally murdered, but the parents say he "flew away one day into God's arms." Worse, to me, the ones where a child died of neglect--as told in other stories in the newspaper--but the obituary states that "God decided to call him home." I suppose obituaries can hide, as well as reveal, a multitude of sins. Sometimes, you can just tell who wrote the thing.

Sometimes obituaries are used as thank you notes to medical staff. At several dollars per line, it would be more cost effective (not to mention more correct) to mail those notes out. Sometimes, obituaries are used to beg for money.

Some of the things I see are not only laughable, but downright embarrassing. One grieving family published that their son died right after the LDS General Conference ended. I had watched conference, and it wasn't that bad. Another obituary writer boasted that her loved one had "single-handedly" made wearing a particular item of clothing popular. Um, yeah.

Another time, the person's name was listed along with the title of "President." I scanned the obituary quickly, a sinking feeling in my stomach, wondering what this guy had been president of. As I did so, I was thinking that, even if my father were the current President of the United States, and died, I would not list the title with his name in the obituary. My worst fears were realized when I discovered that the closest this guy had ever come to being any kind of president was once, well, okay, twice, when he had been a member in a stake presidency--just a counselor, not even the stake president--more than forty years ago. But that's okay. He was "the most spiritual person ever" and, as the obituary pointed out in numerous incidents, apparently influential in the lives of the prophets and general authorities he had bumped into in his life.

Soon afterward, a delightful obituary ran for a successful self-made elderly businessman, written from the point of view and supposed memory banks of his mother. Never mind that she had died decades before him.

You would think writing an obituary would be a job no one would want to undertake--because of what it means has happened in their family. But some people seem to relish it as a creative writing opportunity--perhaps their only chance to get their words published. Or a way to color the situation the way they want it seen. Or to have the last word on the deceased. Some people ought to be haunted for it, though. One family didn't seem able to agree, and two different obituaries ran in the papers for the same person--with differing lists of survivors. Maybe this is why some people go ahead and write out their own. Which is fine except for the creepy "I passed away on November 29. . ." part.

But, as I said, not everyone is a good writer. If we were, it would take all the fun out of reading them.