Dragon Slayers

The last thing a damsel in distress needs is to be misunderstood by those she needs most.

The closest modern-day version of a woman locked in a tower and guarded by a dragon is a captive of domestic violence.

I never heard in any fairy tale that the prince or anyone else ever asked the poor girl how she got herself locked up in a tower or told her that she had made her bed and should therefore lie in it. No, in fairy tales, everyone seems to clearly understand that someone forced her into the tower against her will and that she is precious enough to balance the risk and peril required to save her.

But nowadays, in our enlightened times, it seems more common to blame the victim. Why doesn't she just leave? Why did she get involved in that situation?

I doubt very much that anyone would accept a proposal of, "Will you give me legal right and physical power over you so that I can play power trips, demean or even enslave you, isolate you from your friends and family, and threaten your very survival?" I think in these situations the words said are somewhat different from the scenes that play out afterward.

Getting into an abusive relationship is more like walking along, minding your own business when wham! You're hanging upside-down by your foot from a tree, Gilligan's Island style. Or going to the Fun House because all your friends are going and you think it will be fun. But, once you are inside, everything becomes confusing, you can't see where your friends are, none of the doors works, the mirrors distort everything, scary things jump out at you, and you become gradually and correctly alarmed that you may not make it out of there alive.

An abuser turns up the heat gradually, like the story of the frogs in the pot who don't know they're getting cooked until it's too late.

Abusers start out seeming nice. Maybe they are even charming, or hurt, or helpless, or needy. No one shows their monster face right off the bat. One small thing that's somewhat disturbing happens. It often gets explained away, maybe in a manner that makes the partner doubt herself. Soon, the abuser's partner is following a trail of bread crumbs that leads him or her farther into the woods, away from what's normal. The ensuing isolation increases the abuser's control and leaves the victim with fewer resources for help. She may not be able to see that she is being slowly moved from the palace into the tower.

A clever abuser uses what is important to the partner against him or her. The stakes are high. The costs are even higher.

No one wants to believe they have married a monster. No one wants to believe the one they love and trust would hurt them, and mean it. If the victim, who has the most evidence of what's going on, can hardly believe what's happening, it's no wonder that it's hard for others outside of the situation to believe it.

Almost every domestic violence story reported includes reactions of loved ones caught in the headlights as well. "They were a nice couple." "I never would have guessed something like this could happen." "The guy I know isn't capable of this." "They had ups and downs just like everyone else."

But it happens all the time. Every week, there is some kind of domestic violence story in the local newspaper.

These days, there aren't a lot of heroes on white horses going around slaying the dragons.

Many brave victims have escaped and metamorphosed into survivors. Many victims have tried to "work it out" until the horrifying moment when they realize they ran out of time to solve the problem. Many have come to the realization they needed to escape but have not had a way to. Or started but did not get to finish. Some have turned to friends or family members with their desperate pieces of information. Some have written clues in notebooks, or on their own flesh.

These chinks in the storybook facade of their lives can sound strange, even unbelievable. So unlike what we want to believe is happening. Some damsels in distress have been scoffed at, turned away, called drama queens. The trick is remembering that these true stories are very unlike what the victim wants to be reality, too.

The epidemic is rampant. In some way, it will touch us all--through a sister, a neighbor, a granddaughter, a friend. So the question to ask ourselves is, are we going to be dragon slayers and help rid our society of this evil? Or will we be among those who miss the signs, and accidentally feed the dragons? There is not much middle ground.