Um, How Do You Spell That?

Yesterday, my friend sent me a one-word instant message: Ryatt. Actually, it was a two-word message: Ryatt (male). She did this because she knows I take delight in scoffing at the stupid things people name their kids. It's one of my faults, I guess.

I promptly added it to the list, nearing 700 names, which I keep. My first thought was that poor little Ryatt's parents must have a sort of reverse-lisp problem where they say R's in place of W's. Then I remembered that, ages ago, when I was young, there used to be a comic strip in the newspaper called, "The Ryatts." Ryatt was the surname for this comic strip family. The kids were, supposedly, "riots," and it was a play on words.

Probably, though, Ryatt's parents are too young and uneducated in historical comics to have used the name for that reason. Probably, they were following the current misguided trend of trying to find a unique name for one's baby, which often calls for purposely misspelling a name and/or mutating a common name into something freakish in order to meet that end. Or, maybe they honestly couldn't decide between Wyatt or Ryan. (As in, "Hey! Look! The first syllable of Ryan and the first syllable of Wyatt are almost identical! Wouldn't it be a riot to confuse them?!)

A woman once told me--with a straight face, no less--that she had named her daughter Nichelle because she wanted her name to be different but "not weird." (Close, but not quite, I thought to myself.)

Close, but not quite names on my list include Chasidy and Chasity. The word, people, is "chastity," and I wouldn't recommend using it as a name. I can easily see any child saddled with it hurrying off as soon as she finds out what it means to disprove it. Another is Calicia, which was supposed to be pronounced Celisia. Okay, folks, without a French cedilla beneath the C, it is not going to make an S sound. Another in this category is the name Lily Vyne. Lilies don't grow on vines. Another is Marry. The name Mary has one R. I have also seen Merry used as a name. But Marry with two R's means, in most cases, pretty much the opposite of chastity. I wonder if they are sisters.

Other close-but-not-quite names on my list include Skigh, Tishelle, Storie, Myangel, Skylee, MaDawna, Ralinda, and Xzyle (what the?). Exile would be a horrible moniker without the atrocious spelling! Also notable is that Gage is the name; Gauge is a tool. And then there's Spechele. (Ain't that "special?") And Deseret, pronounced Desiree. Deseret is. . .something else, not a French name you can ignore the T on.

Another category is words--or misspelled words--that are simply outrageous as names. These include (for boys) Bugzy, Cage, Nazareth, Oreo, Pastor, Fate, Flapp, Fonzy, Success, Christ, Lucky (last name Lee--luckily, his parents. . .I can't finish this thought), and K'Arrion. (Do they know what carrion means?) For girls: Bethlehem, Baby, Cocoa, Dezire, Embrace, Genius, Heavenly, Kindness, Memory, Miracle, Miseryrose, Sorrowlily, Promyse, Nymphmedusa, Treasure, Tender, Unique, Trylogie (how can one child be a trilogy?), Thoery (in theory, if this were a name, which it isn't, it should be spelled correctly), Zion, Sunny Star, Legend, Louxious, Aborijahnae (shuddering), Jerzeigh and Jersi. And my personal favorite, Purgatori. (Why not just name her Hell?)

Another is Hunee. We knew a woman named Honey, and my husband felt really silly saying hello to her when he encountered her at the kids' school. ("Oh, hi, Honey! I mean. . .er. . .) But at least hers was spelled right.

Which brings us to the equally awful category of names that have been purposely misspelled by the parents, so that the poor child must spell it out every. . .time. . .for. . .the. . .rest. . .of. . .his. . .or. . .her. . .life. Whew! What a sentence!

My own name has an unusual spelling. I wouldn't say it is misspelled, as there are several authentic variations of my name, but it is unusual, and, yes, I have to spell it for people. But at least it doesn't have a lot of X's, Y's for I's, or other unusual and unnecessary letters.

Take Aamber and Aautumn. Is it soooooo important to make sure your child's name will be at the first of any list that you have to put people in mind of an aardvark instead of your lovely child? Or Abbygail. Yes, it is possible to call her Abby without it being spelled exactly that way inside of the formal name. We get Jim from James without spelling it Jaimes. I've seen Lieu Anne in lieu of Lou Ann. I've seen Mahalet, which was supposed to be Molly. I've seen Shyanne, which, I suppose, is meant to emphasize a possible negative quality the child might understandably develop instead of putting people in mind of a town in Wyoming. I've seen Anthonyy. (One Y will do, thanks.) I've seen Antwon. (Gag!) Sometimes, in the case of Rackel and her sister Stephine, I have to conclude that the parents probably really didn't know how to spell. (I'm sure a nurse at the hospital could have helped out if asked.)

Then there are deliberately made up names. I understand this is a point of pride in some cultures, so I'll tread lightly. But I thought I would just mention Cheynithia, Choisniece, Elyxzia, LaDisha, Fredleca, Nuka-Marie, Pearlynda, Dorothalene, Melverlina, the twins Keon and Keona, and the too-popular Nevaeh. (Yes, I know it spells heaven backward. That's why it's dumb.)

To me, if you want to avoid looking ignorant, one sure-fire tip is to not change the spellings of Bible names or words that can easily be found in the dictionary. The real spellings of these names (and words) are so readily available and have such a long tradition that, well, that is how they are spelled. Yet, we continue to see names like Isaia, Isiai, Izaiah, Izeja, Izrial, Isreal (is that real?), Emanuael, Kayleb, and Jaunathan (he was afflicted with jaundice in the hospital). And Apryl, Aspynn, Candel, Dayzee, Safire, Strawberrie, Jakyl, Realiti and Realitie, Pheenyx and Pheonix.

Last, but by no means least, are made-up names with made-up spellings replete with symbols instead of letters. What, pray tell, is missing that these apostrophes are replacing in the names
A'kneta, My'Kylea, Shammare', R'Mayni, and K'Arrion (forgive me for using it again, but it is so good!). There's also Brie Z. Okay. If you're going to name your daughter Breezy, which, in and of itself is a terrible idea, at least make it one word. I also heard tell of La--a (LaDasha). So clever that my mind stops thinking altogether.

If your child's name is on the list, please forgive my offense, and I will do likewise for you.