Death-Defying Prose

I do not laugh at dead people. Or--heaven forbid!--the bereaved. What I chuckle at is bad writing. And where is a large supply of bad writing published? The obituaries, of course! And on a daily basis, no less.

Most of the time, the things that amuse me are things that are probably not what the obituary writer meant to say. But the way it is written, well, yeah. It says something else.

Today's obits, for example, feature a woman who "lived independently throughout her life with the daily support of B. and K. in the last few years." She is also "survived and revered by her children and their spouses, son C. (wife S, deceased). . . ."

My husband pointed out this woman "sounds like she was a living contradiction."

One woman "served in numerous callings, including. . .Bishop's wife." I wonder if that calling was extended before or after she married the bishop? Uh, "Sister Slevin, we, the bishopric, have called you in here to ask you if you would like to serve as my wife for the next few years."

How about this gem? "She died as she lived, with dignity, peace and considering others." I can just imagine dying out of consideration of others: "That's okay--don't bother with me. I'll just die."

Some mistakes are probably just typos: "He spent his entire life faming and ranching, and was very successful at it." Never heard of him, though.

Others are metaphysical feats. Almost daily is someone described as "the oldest of ten children born on" a certain date. Earlier this week was a woman born in 1925 who got married "on her eighteenth birthday in 1942." Try that!

Or this: He "was valedictorian of his high school class, and in 1934, spent four years on a mission to Hawaii."

A month or so ago, I was saddened to see the obituary of a young teen who had died doing "what he loved"--mixing it up with gravity, speed, and friends. Despite this, the obituary proclaimed that he achieved every single thing he attempted. Uh, well, maybe not this time. . . .

And a six-month-old baby was "preceded in death by" grandparents, then great-grandparents, and great-great-grandparents, all listed by name. Nine of them. I seriously doubt they all died in her short life span.

From people survived by their pets to prophecies on who met them at the veil and what they did after death, the obituaries always make me glad I'm alive.