Life-Changing Days

Every so often, life gives us a day that, like the earthquake in Japan earlier this year, shifts our axis a little bit and makes our outlook from then on just a little bit different.

The past twenty-four hours have been one of those days for me.

It started out fairly normally. I got up at my usual ungodly hour, worried about how my upcoming schedule change will hurt my life, worked out hard at the gym, went to work. I ate my same old day-in-day-out breakfast of an orange, two hard-boiled eggs, and a glass of milk. Saw the same people at work that I always see. Started my day with the same routine.

Then, mid-morning, it happened. Something out of the ordinary. One small event--an email, actually--that grew like a beanstalk I could climb into heaven and access a golden harp and a golden-egg-laying hen, if I want to. Suddenly, dreams I've harbored for a long time seem reasonable.

Best of all, my place in the universe seems defined for me. As a writer. As a mother and wife. As a worker. As a human being, even.

I remember as a child I often walked around the house wondering, "Here we all are, but what are we supposed to do?"

What I'm supposed to do, and, more importantly, who I am, both seem much clearer to me. My confidence has solidified.

The email was from a staff member of a newspaper, informing me that my first blog article, "Cooking Is Love," (look way back to the beginning of this blog), had been published in the online news. It's a small thing, but it's a start. It's a beginning, but it's an end of wondering why-oh-why.

From this grew affirmations from so many people in one day that my confidence, not only as a writer, but as a human being who is valued, grew right up into the sky like that beanstalk. Words like "brilliant," "funny," "very touching," came at me like wind up a hot-air balloon.

When I told my children that my article about their dad's cooking had been published, one of them gasped. "Does Daddy know you published that?"

I smiled. "Yes, he's the first person I told."

And it makes me smile--that I have him in my life, that our relationship has weathered storms to become something enduring and satisfying, like the tree growing out of the rock in my favorite painting.

There was one moment in my day that threatened to flush all of this. Someone who has some power over me heard something from someone else and repeated it to me in a not-nice way. She didn't take the time to hear my point of view and shut me down when I offered it. This brought all sorts of negative feelings and thoughts up for me.

I resented the lack of acknowledgement I got for doing her a favor in the first place, even though I had made one small mistake in doing it. I resented not being given a voice. And I resented the lack of acknowledgement or softening in her that I expected as I handled the situation maturely, taking full responsibility and apologizing.

I started to develop a new tic.

But as I reflected on that, it did seem to be a fitting part of the day, because there are changes I need to make. I've known I need to make them for some time, and this brought that back into view. And as I considered the source of the chewing out--both of the people involved, and acknowledged the wrong-doing on my own part, I felt at peace again. I am who I am, and I am really okay with that. I have grown in ways I needed to, and I can see my way clear for growing in the ways I still need to. I have gained perspective.

I have so much to be grateful for, and smallness on the part of one or two does not and should not cloud the validity of my worth to myself and everyone else I know, which, other than in that one moment of the day, had been coming through loud and clear.

Besides, some day, I can write about those people in detail.

To top it all off, a friend from high school I had reached out to four months ago and not heard back from finally got on Facebook and gave me the warm response I had hoped for. I had assumed all this time that he had not welcomed my hello, but, again, I just needed to be patient, and not assume the worst. Further validating to me.

I completed all of the evening chores and duties that I had upon my head and had myself put upon my shoulders, and went to bed.

Then I had a dream in which I was visited by another old friend. The details of the dream are not important. What is important is the feeling that I woke up with--that I matter. I matter to a lot of people who matter to me. What I have to say matters. I am who I am. I can do what I need to do. I have support and love. I feel confidence and courage.

I feel I can handle things better. The need to feel grouchy, or overwhelmed, or small, or stupid--less than I am in any way, seems to have vanished. Everything that matters to me is now in focus.

Thank you, everybody! And, yes, I mean you.