The "Love Thy Neighbor" Test

In a crisis, we often feel most alone.

I remember once going to a women's conference at my church and feeling utterly alone in a congregation of a thousand women.  I was miserably engulfed in a fiery personal trial.  I thought to myself, "If I told this woman next to me what I am dealing with, she would fall over in a dead faint."

I was new there and didn't know anyone.  I have since come to know this woman as a lovely person who would probably have listened compassionately, and maybe even been helpful and not judged me like I thought she would.

But that's not the only time I have ever felt I was completely alone in a problem no one else seemed to ever have.

Honestly, I think it's beautiful that, while life's problems are many and varied--and, thank goodness, we don't all have to have them all--our own trials can give us empathy for someone else's.

I remember reading a news article years ago about a mother whose twelve-year-old son drove off in the family car with her leaning in the window trying unsuccessfully to stop him.  After he was hauled off into the bowels of the juvenile court system, her doorbell rang.  The police were looking for her husband, who was wanted for rape.

I have honestly, and thankfully, never had either of these problems.  But I knew enough to realize that this must have been for her a really bad day.

The trick is knowing what to do about it.

Because, we know how it feels to have a crisis.  We may not have had the same kind of problems, but we've been in that place of isolation.  We would take that away for our friend in trial, if we only knew how.

"Let me know if there is anything I can do," we say.  And, we almost always really mean it. 

We've all heard and said that line so many times, though, that it has almost become an idiom, like "How are you?"  To which the polite answer has become--true or not--"Fine."

We know that only bores go on and on about their health when asked a passing pleasantry.  And we know that our neighbors really don't want to clean the cat box or whatever it is that would really help us.  On the other side, we know that we really would want to help the person out if they would just tell us something specific to do so that we don't guess, and guess wrong.

We don't want to guess wrong.  We don't want to get into people's personal space.  We don't want to pry, intrude, offend.  Especially when they are already having a hard time.  So, we often just say that and wait and see.

And, usually, nothing comes of it.

But what if that lady in your ward who had just had a baby called you back after you offered to help in "any way" and said, "Could you please buy me a nursing bra and some breast pads?"

This actually happened--not to me, but to a friend, and it got us talking.

I think there are saints in the world (some of my nieces and nieces-in-law come to mind) who would actually not miss a beat but ask, "What size?" and go and do it without another thought.

I think some of us would think it was a little weird.

And I think the majority of us would think it was a little weird, bounce it off of someone else to see what they think, and then go and do it, anyway, because, deep down, we really did mean our offer and really do want to help.

I, an amateur student of human nature, wanted to understand this thoroughly.  Was there a special relationship there?  I could possibly see asking a mother, sister, or very close friend for a favor such as this.  No, no special relationship--just a neighbor, someone else attending the same church.

Next, I thought, maybe she's very young?  Does she not have a mother?  She was a new mother in her late teens, but did live with her own mother.  So, puzzling again.

Maybe she's from another culture, where things are done and understood differently? 

Or, maybe they are poor?  Maybe she didn't want to burden her mother with another expense related to the baby?  Maybe her mother doesn't see these as necessities?

My mind was already spinning out a scenario, something I could possibly write into a story later.  But, that's just me.

And, then there's the darker side of my imagination.  Is she "off" in other ways?  Does her family usually have trouble with boundaries?  And, the judgment.  (She should have at least offered you her bra size and not made you ask.)

I tried to imagine myself doing such a thing, and why I would.  I could imagine feeling isolated in a crisis and thinking in a desperate moment, "People always say they will help, but they never do," and wanting to put it to the test, although I doubted I would go that far with a mere acquaintance, no matter how warmly toward her I felt.

"Maybe there's no one else she feels close to?" I asked.  "Maybe because you are so warm and friendly, she feels you are a role model, or someone who would help?  Clearly, she took your offer to help seriously."

"When I offer my help, I am sincere," my friend said.  "But it just took me aback."

"Yes," I agreed.  "I can see that."  I wanted to understand it from her point of view, too.  How did she see this?  Did she think the girl was out of line, or that the situation was hilarious, or that we really should be more willing to help without judging, so what's wrong with our society?  We both could see it as a little of all of the above.

Which is probably both good and bad.

And left both of us wondering: how should it be in a perfect world?  In a Zion society, wouldn't we consider everyone our sister?  Wouldn't we see all of our goods and means as being in common for the common good?  Wouldn't we refrain completely from judging?  We would go and get ourselves these things if we needed them and had the means, so why should it be any different to go and get them for someone else in need?

In a perfect world, wouldn't we love our neighbor as ourselves?