Can I Just Be a Mom?

I recently read an obituary that described the deceased as having done "many years of traveling and competing" in an organization, that she was one of the original founders of a large local charity and "served on it many years," and how she had volunteered for "many years" at a hospital.

Then came the clincher.  It said, "She was always a stay-at-home mom."  

Really?  Just how big was her home?

Her obituary went on to delineate how she had always put her family first and had given them her greatest service.

This, I don't doubt.  

I don't begrudge her the many ways she benefited the community, developed herself as a person, and honed her talents.  I think it's marvelous that she did so much.  Clearly, she was someone to admire.

What I take issue with is the pride taken in and divisiveness engendered from the emotionally pregnant words, "stay-at-home mom."  Do we have to define ourselves as one or not one?

I would like to respectfully put forward that almost all moms are at home sometimes, and that almost all moms leave their homes sometimes.

I would also like to explore the likelihood that most moms put their families first and serve their families with most of their energy.

I have found, more and more, a real divisiveness between "stay-at-home" moms and moms who are employed outside of the home.  Is this really necessary?

Working moms contribute great service to their families.  Not only do they still have the kids' needs, housework, and other household chores to attend to in less time, they contribute financially.  They may be providing the bulk of the family's income, or the only health insurance.  Their work could be a stabilizing force and foundation of security like none other in the family.

Women who don't work outside of the home also contribute significantly to the well-being of their families.  Frequently, they have time and energy to contribute in ways that working moms cannot.  

And then there are MANY who form some combination of this--they have found a way to bring in some income while working from home, or have fit the puzzle pieces together in some other creative way that works for them--some years at home and some years in the workforce, for example.

To some degree, we get to make our own choices in this matter.  And that's how it should be.  All women should figure out for themselves how they want to serve and contribute to their families and communities, spend their time, and develop their talents.  That's the beauty of it.

Why does there have to be so much tension?  Why do we have to declare ourselves one or the other, dig in our heels, and make an issue of pride and judgment over it?

Many working moms don't feel they have the choice to not work.  Many non-working moms also feel the pressure to not make another choice.  I think we could do without pressure from either side and turn that energy into respect and support for one another's choices. 

This woman, it sounds like, spent almost as much time outside of her home as she spent in it.  The things she chose to do didn't bring in any income, so she didn't bless her family in that way.  Perhaps, though, she was a better mother for developing her talents.  Maybe her community service made her more compassionate, understanding, and empathetic.  If so, good for her.  

It's also possible that she could have been so devoted to outside causes that her children missed her, that they waited for dinner at times beyond the point that they were hungry, that she missed some of their birthdays or performances or I-need-this cues.

Undoubtedly, there were other positives that I haven't thought of and negatives that have been forgiven.  

I can't measure a stranger's life from a few statements made about her.

My comment is on the growing societal competition between certain choices.  I really think this is harmful. It's harmful to our relationships with each other, to our ability to understand and empathize with each other. The judgments we make have a negative impact on our capacity for charity and our ability to stand up for and with each other in hard times.  They are bad for our souls.

The impact of this divisiveness stunts the growth of our daughters who don't know which direction to turn. Do we really need to make a choice between feeling guilty for using our brains or for not using them?  For using our talents or not using them?  Are some talents okay to develop and others not okay?  Do we need guilt for providing our children with the things they need over keeping them in poverty?  Or the reverse?

Women, especially mothers, juggle many responsibilities and expectations.  I respect each woman who relies on inspiration and her own intelligence to figure out how to find balance for her family.  If women achieve a balance that is healthy for their children and themselves, the details of what they choose to do and what they sacrifice--which vary as individually as there are individual families--really don't matter.

Without pressure to join one side or the other, we could feel free to make the choices that truly are best for ourselves and our families without this silly competition as a factor. I don't believe one is right and the other is wrong.   

Honestly, I wish the term "stay-at-home mom" would just kind of disappear from our lexicon and there would just be "mom."  What are we trying to prove with it?

I was once chastised by a childless, young, and. . .well, young, church leader who reached for a simple addition fact to solve a complex calculation when he said to me, "You need to be home with your children."

"I am home with my children," I responded.  I was on my home phone with him at the time.

I knew what he meant, and the judgment stung.  He was guessing that relying on a simple solution (Mom plus not working equals perfect children) would solve a very hard and complex situation.  But I knew that my not having a job at that point in my life would do absolutely nothing to solve or soften the problem my child faced.  In fact, it would have compounded it.  

My sweet husband comforted me with these words: "You always put your children first.  You never neglect their needs. You always go to bat for this child.  You have left nothing undone that is within your power to do."

For me, working outside the home is one of the important ways I take care of my children.  Other mothers get to make the same or other choices. Each one has the responsibility to find her own balance, her own answers that make sense for her family.  I respect that.

Children of both stay-at-home moms and working mothers can all be cherished, nurtured, healthy, and well-cared for.  Children of both stay-at-home moms and working moms can be neglected.  In my humble opinion as a nobody, employment should not be where the line between good and bad mothers is drawn.