What Not to Wear or Do with Your Hair

This post is my version of "What Not to Wear." Or do with your hair. (Yes, I am a poet. Thanks for asking.)

I know I'm no fashion goddess, but I think I look okay.

All right, all right, I know everyone thinks they look okay, and that can't possibly be right, so I'll go one step farther for you. I conducted an extensive survey and asked five separate people if I look okay. All of them said, "Yeah."

So, here's just a few things I've noticed--in my humble opinion as a nobody.

If you're fair and blond, and you dye your hair pitch black, you won't be fooling anyone. Are your eyebrows still blond? You might even have blond whispies sticking out. Try a subtler shade--something with some variety in it, like natural hair has. On the other hand, if you want to be Morticia when you grow up, fine.

Gym-goers: please own at least two workout outfits, and interchange them from day to day. Yes: when you go every day at the same time wearing the same outfit, I do notice--even if I don't know you. Then I find myself distracted from my workout, wondering if you really wash your clothes every single day.

Change your hairstyle, at least every decade. If you've had the same hairstyle for over three decades, change your hairstyle.

Little tiny clothes that are 99% spandex are for little tiny bodies that are 99% sparkle. Yes, every fat lump and dimple shows through.

If you are an overweight middle-aged woman (like me), don't wear pants that cut off right below the knee unless they are loose around the knee. Tightish pants that end there emphasize any fat you may have on your upper legs, lower legs, and feet. Put on your favorite pants-that-end-at-the-knee outfit and stand in front of the mirror. Pretend you don't know yourself and you don't love those clothes. Ask yourself if you can pass the Petunia Pig test. If you really want to look like this, at least don't forget the polka-dotted bow for your head!

That's aaaaaaaall, folks!